The questions that come up when you think about working away and especially working out of the country are relatively clear cut at first. You think about whether you will get a decent wifi connection and you think about phone service. That's about it. No problema. This will be a breeze. And then there's this crashing noise, metal on metal crunching sounds, glass flying. You look outside but nothing happened outside. It's you, crashing into reality.

People who own B&B's or small hotels are not really into the internet connection business. They don't really pay a lot of attention to what kind of bandwidth they have. Maybe they think that a 5 year old router is just as good as the new N routers which are much faster than the B's or G's.

Of course, the big deal is the phone service so we'll start there. Out of the country, you MUST use an internet service. Most people would say Skype. The problem is that Skype is erratic in its quality. You might be able to hear whom you have called but they might have a hell of a time hearing you. Why's that? I am told by those much more knowledgeable than me that if you are using a wifi connection, you are losing about half the outgoing signal to the router. So much for your voice. The best thing I have found is to be plugged in.

Not too long ago, I was staying in some ritzy hotel in San Diego. They told me they had wifi and plug in. I went for the plug. Couldn't get anything. Absolutely nothing. Kept fiddling with it. Nothing. I finally looked under the desk and followed the cord I had plugged into my laptop. It went about 2 feet to nowhere. The other end was literally cut off, hanging sadly, connected to nothing, maybe picking up signals from the universe but none from the internet.

When booking a place to stay, I find myself interrogating the staff. Wifi only or can I plug in? DSL or cable? Do you have wide enough bandwidth to handle all your visitors?? I am usually answered with long silences or check this out. This moment I am sitting in a beautiful little place overlooking the ocean in Mendocino, California. Gorgeous views. Waves crashing on shore. Great restaurants. Top of the line stuff. Totally cool. I called before I came out. Asked all the right questions about online connections. "You bet," I'm told. "No problem. Multiple routers. Strong wifi. Maybe a little teensy problem when everyone's online."

Let me admit right now that I did not do my best Perry Mason (tells you how old I am) cross examination. I let him off the hook too easily. Should have sent him to Guantanamo for a few days for some r&r. But I didn't. I made the ultimate mistake. I believed him. So here I am and there is no signal. ZERO. I call the front desk. I kindly say that the signal that was promised me is not here. Maybe, it's gone for the weekend. Playing golf. Or out for a hike by the crashing waves. Could be my signal is still having dinner at the cool, laid back place where Tony, the maitre'd, was last night leering down my girlfriend's dress. But, no, this lovely girl at the front desk tried to explain to me, in the kind of jargon that young girls use to mask total ignorance, that "the thing that has the lights kinda freaks out for a while then might work after you wait for about 20 minutes but alotta times it doesn't and we can't get to it anyway cause it's locked up in the shed where they keep that stuff. But I'll check with the gardener cause he gets in there now and then to get his stuff." What is really, really bad is that I am not kidding.